“Hey Seb, wanna go steal a bank?”
So there I am, up to my elbows in blood and limbs and bits of what I think was once a carousel (I’m not kidding. A fucking carousel. There’s a horse head with ribbons hanging from it and lots of shiny metal stuff everywhere.) when Jim strolls in and asks if I want to go steal a bank.
And I’m just like, “Um, first of all, I’m kinda busy cleaning up your mess here, which is going to take hours thanks to someone ruining the pressure washer by filling it with cheese whiz.”
And Jim is all, “LOL, idgaf, you know that was fun,” but whatever because he isn’t scrubbing liver out of the hardwood floor, is he?
“Second of all,” I continue, “you don’t steal a bank. You rob it. Everyone knows that. Geeze.”
Jim says, “That’s what you think, babycakes.” Which, by the way, is a really irritating nickname. “Now get changed and let’s go.”
Well, fine. Whatever. If the smell never goes away, it’s totally not my fault.
So I get dressed and meet Jim in the Van of Criminal Activities with the henchmen and we go off to steal a bank. Or something.
The thing about working for Jim is that he never explains anything. He just assumes that everyone automatically knows what he’s thinking. Which is bullshit because he’s fucking psycho and I doubt there’s a sane person in existence who could understand his mind.
So in the van, I’m like, “What are we even doing?” which is a perfectly valid question.
But Jim is like, “stfu I don’t feel like saying, Seb Moron.”
And he knows how much I hate it when people call me that. I mean, seriously. But do I complain? No. Because I am a fucking good employee and Jim is lucky I even exist.
When we get to the bank, Jim has one of the henchmen call in with a bomb threat. Real original, I know. So then some of the other henchmen reroute the 999 call and even more henchmen show up in stolen cop cars to evacuate the building.
And Jim is totally capable of doing this stuff on his own, but he always claims to have some stupid “hands-off” rule where he doesn’t commit the crimes, just plans them. Personally, I think he’s just lazy.
“Boo-hoo, I’m Jim Moriarty and I’ve never worked a day in my life. Now go get the crackers and protective gear, Seb. I’ve loaded the pressure washer with cheese whiz.”
I’m just thinking that this is a pretty run of the mill bank robbery when all of a sudden a couple of fucking cranes and a semi come down the street and I realize that we are literally stealing the bank. The henchmen are talking to the bank manager who is nodding and looking very serious like he totally gets what’s going on. No one seems to be bothered that we are moving the building.
Seriously? Seriously? Are people that stupid? I don’t even know what to say.
Jim’s all, “LOLOLOL I’m such a troll OMG I am so hilarious.”
And I’m like, “Where did you get the cranes?”
And he says, “The internet,” like that’s even an answer.
What did he do, google “cranes for hire?”
So we drive away with a fucking bank full of money and office supplies and shit and go back to headquarters like it’s no big deal. That’s when it occurs to me - where the fuck are we going to put a whole bank???
I ask Jim and he goes, “IDK, I didn’t think that far. Why don’t you figure it out? Great, thanks, see you later, Seb.”
So there I am with a bank and some cranes and a warehouse full of dead people and carousel that still needs cleaning.
WTF, man. WTF.